03/23/10

Never lend an Albino Alligator your Hat

I thought this week that I would try to post some helpful advice to all of you people out there. Today’s advice never lend an albino alligator your hat, he will not give it back. I mean why would expect it too. For one reason he simply looks stunning in that floppy hat. The red really brings out his eyes. Secondly, he’s and albino, he needs it more. Sure, without your hat to shade your head you may get a little sun burnt, but come on he’s an albino. Without that hat he’ll burst into flame. Plus he’s an alligator so its not like he can just walk into a store and buy his own hat or a sun block. If he walk into a store he’s much more likely to become a wallet than be able to open his and buy sun protection. That’s why today I’m asking you to remember if you give an alligator your hat you’re not getting it back. I know some of you are going to say it was under duress. “He showed me his crocodile smile and I felt coerced into giving him it.” First off you’re wrong it was an alligator smile, and secondly just let it go. Albinos are in desperate need of hats. That’s why in the future I hope to open the first charity to give hats to the albino animals. Hats for Albino Animals (HAA for short) will be dedicated to giving head wear to the pigmentless. We will provide fedoras to frogs, sun hats to alligators, and even sombreros to rabbits.          

03/19/10                                                                 

I love my cereal mascots

My brave little mascots, oh how you sell your wears.

Pimping your sugary sweet cereal with so much care.

“Can’t get me lucky charms you,” you scream.

Causes your marshmallow shapes to haunt my every dream.

Oh, those Trix may be for kids,

But rabbit you still try; holding them ever so sacred.

I’ll follow my nose, alright,

And I’ll pour those fruity loops down my throat all night.

My point you see is quite clear,

You can’t ignore those sounds you hear.

That snap! That Crackle! That pop!

Makes us want to got the store and shop.

For boxes of your delicious grains,

Your catch phrases stick straight to our brains.

So Smack that frog, and cap’n that crunch,

Then me Boobery, and pebbles may even have cereal for brunch.

03/12/10

Muppets where have you gone

Lately I have been missing Muppet movies. Not the old ones those I watch all the time; “Muppets take Manhattan” being my favorite. No, what I really want to see is a new Muppet movie with, my favorite felt skinned friends in new situations. I mean these great characters have not been properly used in years. The most recent movie outing being the at best Christmas special “Letters to Santa” was at best mediocre. What we need is the Muppets taking on some new challenges, perhaps a dramatic roll. What I’m thinking is perhaps having them do a remake of the classic film the fugitive. Imagine Kermit standing on the precipice of a sewage water fall, nothing but water and rocks below. He stands ready to jump as same the Eagle (who would be perfect in the Tommy Lee Jones) tells him to give up. Kermit Screams in his high voice arms flailing, “it was the one armed man, Aaaaaaaaa” as he jumps his seeming death. This scene alone would make me want to watch this movie and I’m sure we can easily fit in the other Muppets characters in as well. So Disney you have the idea run with it I can’t wait to it. (Disclaimer: Richard has neither seen nor heard the fugitive in its entirety, and is basing his entire opinion on the idea of Kermit running with his arms flailing the entire movie as he runs.)    

03/09/10

Cross Breeding

I’m not quite sure what I find so funny about hybrid animals, but they fascinate me to a healthy (doctors and psychiatrist say unhealthy) obsession.  I think is the endless combinations that could be created, or just my love of the platypus, the ultimate hybrid. What was god thinking when he created this spectacular hybrid? “Well I have finished creating the world,” he perhaps thought to himself (I don’t really know I wasn’t there), “What do I do now?” he possibly questioned just as a duck and a beaver walked by. “Hmm” the lord maybe wondered to himself as he lifted his two creations in to the air. He could have then put them in silly hats and made them have a tea party.  He then conceivably laughed till his tears filled the basin now known as Lake Erie. God soon would have become jaded and instead dressed them in tutus. He then might have put them in roller skates and placed them in a disco themed roller rink and watched. This too would have made him laugh for a while, but having literally seen it all, probably grew bored of this as well. He finally may have decided to have the creatures compete in a battle royal smash up derby, but he would have pushed too hard with his godly might causing the molecules of the creatures to combine. This might be how the platypus was formed. None of this really matters however, because really all that matters is god should create more hybrid animals, the platypus was a good start but where is the octorabbit, monkguin, the gorantula, and of course the salmonbear.    

03/05/10

Pineapple Dreams

A pineapple went to sleep one night. He dreamed of knights and knaves, and armor blazed bright with the spark of dragon’s flame. He dreamed of mermaids swimming in oceans of green blue foam, filled with a cornucopia of fish in a myriad of colors. He sees boats filled with a men looking to blue skies and reveling in the glory of a hardy days work. Treasure starts to rain from the sky and land in his pineapple lap. He rolls in the trove, joyously laughing his cares away. He dreamed of all a pineapple could want and more. He envisions a ladder that that takes him to heaven where he sees the angels tranquilly walking on fluffy, white, silver lined, clouds; playing lovely harps of gold creating the most glorious of melodies. He sees himself approaching the gracious lord; his beard filled with grace. He ask the lord with humbled breath, “what is life all about?”.  The lord responds with the sweetest of smiles, but the pineapple cannot understand a single words because pineapples on dream in German. 

02/26/10

An ode to the Gerbil

 

O my gerbil, you are my friend

I planned to keep you till the very end

How when I toss you, you fly with such grace

Landing ever so gently in my brothers face

Running on your wheel with no trepidation

Never fearing my next molestation

but the day came when I left you on that chair

and what happened next , just wasn’t fair

For my uncle Sal, who is quite swollen

 Carelessly sat upon you, launching you into his colon

And there you now, live no longer able to play.

But while Sal is sleeping, I still feed, you everyday

02/23/10

Pineapples are a wondrous fruit. They are not only delicious but are highly versatile. They can be eaten, used to crack walnuts, scratch your back, and a murder weapon. One has to contemplate what was god thinking when he created this fruit. “hmm,” he probably started thinking aloud one day in his deiorific voice, “ You know what man needs? A sweet yellow fruit that, he can also use as a mace when burglars try to take it.” Pineapples are extremely dangerous; in fact, last week I was walking down the street when out of the corner of my eye what did I see? That’s right a pineapple. I tried to change directions and walk the other way but it was too late. Before I knew the pineapple was upon. It tripped me to the ground with is rolley polley shape then preceded to shove its spikes into my face until I handed it my wallet. I did so and watch that pineapple run off to no doubt, spend my money on drugs. Ever since the pineapples discover their dangerousity and cocaine the streets have been unsafe at night. I therefore call upon you my fellow citizens; take to the streets raising your slicers, corers, and juicers in to the air. Let the fruit know that we will not be shoved around by such a delicious fruit. Tell it to get back into the markets. Lets force the menace back into the cans, and together we can sit back and enjoy a delicious tropical drink together out of the most versatile fruit ever born.     

02/17/10

Today I wanted to talk about the future, and the world that we will be meeting. Yes in the future there will be much good, but there will also be hazards to watch for. One of which is the pooping robot. Therefore when thinking about the future I think it’s best to emphasize preparedness.  We must gather and save our plastic bags for the oncoming robot insurrection. With bags in hand we can keep our streets clean of the robot refuse that will litter our streets. We must but up signs that say clean up after your robot it’s the law. Beware those that claim the easy solution; roboscoopers that will clean the feces. Woe be on to those for they have failed to realize that the roboscoopers will also poop, and then you will need to build roboscoopers for the roboscoopers, and an endless stream of roboscoopers will need to be built until the world economy is based on roboscoopers and poop. Therefore my friends curb your robot, and always keep baggie handy. One final note on the future, where is my Hover board? I was promised by all movies and sitcoms that featured the future a hover board and it still hasn’t happened. Scientist need to stop spending time and money on design stupid things, like pooping robots, and start working on my hover board. Back to the future promised me one by 2015 and they had better be here by then.      

    

02/09/10

It’s weird when you find out that the world just doesn’t work they way you thought. The perfect example is a conversation I had today with a friend. She informed me that her kindergarten class was going to the Reagan Library. Upon hearing this I was excited to think of all the books that these kids were going to get to experience. That is until my beautiful vision was smashed to pieces like so many empty jelly bean jars on the floor. My friend told me that the children would not have the wonderful experience I had imagined. She told me that the Reagan library did not in fact have a collection of books featuring Ronald Reagan. There would be no reading of “The Reagan in the Hat”, or “Reagan and the Beanstalk”, or even “Reagan in Wonderland”. It’s just an ordinary library with only Reagan’s name on it. Now where am I supposed to find a book featuring Reagan’s travels through oz and befriend a brainless head o f the CIA, A heartless Russian, and a cowardly Iraqi. No copies of,”Reagan Pan”, or video copy of “Reagan and the Tramp” oh how I wanted to see that spaghetti scene.  I was so disappointed, why can’t these magical places exist as they should? If a library has a man’s name on it should feature, exclusively, books by or about that person. My solution of course was frowned upon. I suggested we make stickers of President Reagan and place them in all the books to rectify this situation. This way I could finally read my first copy of “Reagan and Hobbes”. The Reagan Library of course rejected my idea, and by rejected I mean escorted from the building, but I’ll keep trying. I’ll write letters, make phone calls, and sloganeer, until that day when we can all go to the Reagan library and read “Ronald Reagan and the Sorcerer’s Stone.”

 02/01/10
This week I went and saw the chipmunk movies. I know its childish but I loved the 90's cartoon and had to see the introduction of the Chipettes to the franchise. That being said, I really have to say that  the thing that bugged me the most about this movie was not the bad script,  the waste of talented actors (Christina Applegate played the voice of Britney, not that you could tell with the voice modulation) but that no one seems concerned by that fact that there is clearly a major radiation leak in the forest. I mean I can understand the obliviousness after only finding three talking chipmunks. I mean they are all are brothers so its very possible that they are simply an evolutionary anomaly. But after three more show up you have to start wondering what's happening out in that forest. Is someone dumping nuclear waste, or did a meteor land and endow the forest populace with intelligence, and speech. Is a bear going to wander out of the forest next week and try to sell me a time share. The people of this town need to take action and discover the cause of these Chipmunk singers immediately. Which is why I suggest the third movie be called Chipmunks III the Squetopsy.(and just in case you didn't get it I combined the word Squeak and Autopsy). Lets get to the bottom of this phenomenon immediately.